Introduction: Confronting the Unseen Discontent
In the unforgiving light of my home office, amidst the symbols of a successful life, a profound sense of disconnection pervaded my being. The disquiet was palpable, an echo of a recovery principle that resonated within me: “whenever I am disturbed, there is something amiss within.” This moment marked a turning point, a deep recognition that the answer to this inner void lay beyond material adjustments. The true solution was an internal reckoning.
Acknowledging a problem is the precursor to finding a remedy. Yet, ‘disconnection’ was a symptom, not a diagnosis; I sought a precise understanding of this internal unrest to navigate my way out of it.
This unrest was not a stranger to me — it had been a shadow trailing me for decades. I had once believed that further education, a graduate degree, would banish it. It did not. The toll of my discontent was evident: my family’s patience was wearing thin, their frustration mirroring my own, and even the family pets seemed on edge.
Switching professions was a path I had trodden many times over the span of thirty years, to no avail. My wife’s words were a stark warning: “No more sales jobs!”
There was a humbling truth I had to face, one that I had buried under a facade of career ambitions: my relationship with work was a source of profound misery. The more unsettling realization was not knowing the origins of this misery or the path to liberation.
At the precipice of this truth, I was poised to seek guidance.
The Illusion of Success: Navigating the Facade of Achievement
In the upscale enclave of Palos Verdes Estates, CA, my youthful backdrop was one of affluence and prestige — a stark contrast to the unspoken realities of my family life. This community, with its grand mansions and elite country clubs, including the one my father frequented, shaped my early notions of success.
Yet, amidst the allure of city lights, my childhood home bore the strain of discord, culminating in a divorce that seemed an inevitable footnote to the facade of family perfection. It was here that I first grappled with cognitive dissonance, reconciling the outward appearances with a more complex reality, often seeking solace in the era’s prevalent marijuana culture.
Cannabis became a balm that eased the pangs of social integration, kindled a love for music, and buffered the rigors of academia. The prestigious Ivy League was a path not destined for me; in truth, my academic journey was a precarious one, culminating in a hard-earned diploma that defied my initial odds.
This preamble sets the stage for the serendipitous, yet unwitting, trek towards a professional and personal quagmire. The completion of my Philosophy degree from UCSB, a ten-year odyssey, was a feat that filled me with a sense of accomplishment. Accepting a sales role — a position replete with tangible perks like a company car — was a decision made with haste, without introspection.
The ascent to financial stability and societal markers of success soon eclipsed any lingering doubts. The traditional milestones of marriage, a family, and material comforts unfurled before me, seemingly fulfilling the promise of upward mobility. Yet, in the relentless pursuit of this scripted success, I neglected to pause and ponder whether the path I trod was one of my own choosing. Unwittingly, I had engineered my own golden cage.
The Turning Point: A Journey of Self-Discovery
At a crossroads in my life, being married and contemplating starting a family, or perhaps simply the passage of time, after a decade in my corporate role, a restlessness took hold of me. This unease, fueled by philosophical inquiry — a legacy of my BA in Philosophy — centered around Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia: the fulfillment of one’s potential as a pathway to happiness. Questions like, “What am I doing here?” and “What needs to change?” became my constant companions.
This internal turmoil was propelled by two main factors:
First, my side hustle as an aerobics instructor imbued me with a profound sense of purpose and satisfaction, a stark contrast to my feelings about my corporate job. My classes — extensions of my creativity and personality — were not only loved by those who attended; they were integral parts of my identity. I reveled in the joy and appreciation they sparked. “If only I could do this full-time,” I pondered, immediately followed by the daunting question, “But how?” The pervasive belief instilled by my upbringing — that career and income were paramount, with little regard for joy — left me without answers from my direct life experiences.
Secondly, I found myself in awe of my wife’s success. Her entrepreneurial spirit, willingness to take risks, and academic achievements underscored my perceived deficiencies. These feelings were likely intensified by my dysfunctional family background, where I learned that financial success was a means to gain approval. Unlike me, my wife was free from the low self-esteem and compulsive people-pleasing that plagued me.
In retrospect, the irony is clear. Through my side hustle, I was already achieving the kind of success I admired in my wife. My skill and the appreciation I received brought me profound satisfaction and happiness, making me a more joyful and engaging partner — qualities that attracted her to me.
However, moving to a job in the financial services sector, which tripled my income but reduced my teaching hours, blinded me to the self-denial involved. Aristotle, had I been open to his teachings, might have counseled that virtue and happiness are paramount, and wealth should be considered carefully when these values conflict.
This notion was echoed in my recovery journey, where Shakespeare’s advice through Hamlet — “Above all else, to thine own self be true” — resonated deeply. Yet, understanding this truth and acting on it proved challenging.
The Realization: Confronting the Misery
Upon accepting the job that required commuting into downtown Los Angeles, I underwent a profound transformation, one that, in retrospect, veered away from true fulfillment. The allure of material upgrades became irresistible; a simple car no longer sufficed — I craved a luxury vehicle. Tripling my salary suddenly seemed inadequate as I found myself aspiring for loftier positions within the company. Yet, these ambitions extracted a heavy toll.
The joy and fitness I derived from my aerobics classes began to wane as I reluctantly scaled back, marking the erosion of the ‘happy-go-lucky Jim’ persona. This transition into a bewildering rivalry with my wife over career achievements left me questioning: How had I arrived at this juncture? Even more concerning was the realization that my self-esteem, long intertwined with my physical fitness, was diminishing alongside my expanding waistline.
The competitive corporate environment proved to be a battleground for which I was poorly armed. Navigating the murky waters of corporate politics — territory alien to me — without the requisite savvy was a struggle.
Promotion prospects brought the dilemma of relocation, a venture outside my comfort zone, culminating in professional stagnation and escalating frustration.
My lack of passion for the corporate sphere starkly contrasted with the vigor it sparked in my colleagues. Questioning my capacity for effective leadership in the absence of genuine engagement, I pondered, “Where is the authenticity in leading without belief?”
In an attempt to simplify my life and alleviate stress, I embraced the path trodden by many in sales — eschewing leadership ambitions to concentrate on my sales role. I harbored the misconception that sidestepping leadership for an individual contributor role would mitigate competition and stress.
However, I was merely turning a blind eye to the glaring indicators of my unhappiness. Discontent, a lack of fulfillment, a propensity for criticism, and a sour disposition marred my existence, exacerbated by stress and sleep deprivation. My career devolved into a series of preemptive job changes to evade potential termination.
“My wife’s ultimatum was clear: ‘No more sales jobs!’” she declared.
This prompted a pivot to graduate school, fueled by the belief that a master’s degree in communication would herald a new era of contentment, steering me clear of sales. This interlude provided an unexpected boon — assuming a pivotal role in parenting during a critical juncture in my wife’s career and rediscovering my academic prowess through the rejuvenating endeavor of blog writing. This period of academic and personal growth was invaluable, imbuing me with gratitude for the opportunity to return to school.
Regrettably, reverting to sales post-graduation meant the initial objective was fundamentally flawed. What I needed was an understanding of the root cause of my troubles which sadly were years ahead in the distance.
The Diagnosis: A New Understanding
After three years of unexpected happiness in a job that felt like a perfect fit — marked by success and camaraderie — my world was upended. The company was acquired, and suddenly, we were all scrambling to secure our places in the new organizational structure. The loss hit me hard.
As it turned out, I wasn’t alone in my disillusionment; many colleagues soon departed from the merged entity. The brief period of professional contentment now seemed like a distant memory, as my daily reality devolved into frustration and anxiety in a role that felt increasingly misaligned with my capabilities and expectations.
Then came another transition: I joined a new company, just as the world was grappling with the onset of COVID-19. The pandemic reshaped the landscape of work, especially for sales, a field that had long prized autonomy and the freedom to dictate one’s own schedule. Suddenly, the digital realm of video conferencing dominated, transforming my workdays into a relentless succession of Zoom calls. The shift from the independence of travel to the confines of endless screen time was jarring.
Within weeks, the strain became unbearable. The static routine of sitting, paying attention, and engaging in virtual meetings was antithetical to my nature. My performance faltered, and with it, my confidence plummeted, overshadowed by the looming threat of unemployment.
In search of solutions, I sought professional help, leading me to a therapist’s office. Her inquiry about a family history of ADHD — prompted by my son’s successful treatment for the condition — was a revelation. Her diagnosis of my condition ranged from mild to severe adult ADHD, a moment of clarity that was both shocking and illuminating.
Confiding in my wife about the diagnosis brought an unexpected response: “This is news to you? Everyone knows you have ADHD!” It appeared that I was the last to acknowledge what had been evident to those around me.
Embracing Change: The Path to Happiness
The discovery of my ADHD was nothing short of a revelation, initiating a transformative journey through treatment and self-discovery. My therapist and I delved into the myriad ways in which ADHD had stealthily underpinned my struggles, uncovering the diverse “hacks” I had unwittingly employed to compensate for my lack of focus.
We examined a series of questions that illuminated the extent of my challenges: Did performance anxiety plague me? Was decisiveness elusive? Did I grapple with self-doubt? Were ostensibly simple tasks, like note-taking or enduring meetings, Herculean feats? Did names evade me, organization elude me, and preparation provoke anxiety? Was fidgeting my constant companion in meetings, restlessness my shadow? Did the prospect of supervision unsettle me, and did I thrive in roles demanding rapid task-switching, yet falter in bringing projects to completion?
To each query, my response was a resounding yes.
Our discussions ventured into unconventional territories, such as the role of marijuana and cardiovascular exercise in managing ADHD symptoms, and the tendency to shy away from competitive scenarios, aware that a deficit in focus rendered competitive success elusive. We uncovered how fear morphed into a guiding force, steering me away from challenges and toward a state of frustration, anxiety, and, ultimately, misery.
This diagnosis illuminated the origins of my dwindling confidence and ambition, the graveyard of my unfinished projects.
With treatment, the transformation was palpable: my work ethic revitalized, adherence to schedules improved, and overall performance soared.
Parallel to this medical journey was a personal one, where daily journaling facilitated a profound exploration of my thoughts and experiences. This introspection revealed a stark truth — I was ensnared in misery not solely because of ADHD but because I harbored a deep-seated aversion to sales, a field that had never truly resonated with me. This realization underscored the fact that my lack of success in sales wasn’t just a symptom of ADHD but a misalignment with my true interests and strengths.
So, what was the next step on this journey of self-revelation?
Conclusion: A Call to Self-Reflection
I was oblivious to my own misery and, consequently, the impact it had on those around me. It’s a given that a miserable person can dampen the spirits of their company, a situation compounded when they are unaware of their own state. My approach to career fluctuations and diminishing work enthusiasm was dismissive, summed up by a resigned “it is what it is” — hardly a reflection of deep insight or contemplation.
The revelation of my ADHD diagnosis shed light on the unseen barriers to my performance, much like expecting someone who needs glasses to see better by merely trying harder. Without the necessary tools — akin to glasses for the visually impaired — success and satisfaction remained elusive, trapping me in a cycle of misery.
This journey to understanding has been enlightening. My desire is not to wallow in misery but to seek out joy. To extricate myself from misery, I needed to cease engaging in actions that perpetuated those feelings. So, when confronted with a “performance plan” at work, I heeded my wife’s counsel, embraced retirement, and finally adhered to her long-standing advice against sales roles.
Retirement has unveiled a newfound vitality. Living in misery is an exhaustive endeavor. While I regret not discovering my ADHD sooner, there’s no backward glance that can alter the past. Today, I cherish my awareness and, more importantly, daily pursue what brings me joy.
Are you mired in misery? Are you receptive to exploring its roots? Are you ready to seek help in understanding your circumstances? Are you prepared for change?
Embrace it. The shift will not only energize you but also enrich the world around you.